Each day's mistakes explode into the continuing nightmares that then entwine into the next day's distractions causing more defeats. The constant nagging and pulling away of my focus and awareness. I want to cry, to run away, I want to yell and scream. I want to stop, to press pause and give myself time to recover, to find my rhythm, to be at peace, to wash away the crap. I can't recall the last time I awoke ready to enjoy the day ahead.
Last night repeating over and over in my head not allowing me a moment to sleep was Better Midler, singing 'I think it's going to rain today' - is it a metaphor, is there something in this song for me to hear? Some words are clear others get lost in the general head banter. I don't know. I just want it to stop!
Lonely, lonely. Tin can at my feet, I think I'll kick it down the street, that's the way to treat a friend.
Bright before me the signs implore me: Help the needy and show them the way. Human kindness is overflowing, and I think it's going to rain today.
Constantly having to better my last efforts, to find the missing piece, to expose my flaws and relentlessly ask questions of myself that I have no answers to and then have the fortitude to engage with all of those in my life, as if I am 'normal'. I simply can't, it's too tiring. I am moody, I am exhausted, I am drained, I am at a loss and I am sick of being kicked around like a tin can.
So, I am left exacerbated, pondering why? Why sing? Why opera? I mean I understand why I started but why do I want to continue with the day in and day out of it all. Some days my choice overwhelms me and I hesitant; is the sacrifice, the daily cost, going to be worth it? Have I achieved enough?
"I believe there is a price tag on everything worthwhile, but it is seldom a monetary one. The price is more often one of dedication, deprivation, extra effort, loneliness. Each person decides whether he or she wants to pay the price. If you do, you achieve beyond other people." - Jim McKay
I have the love and support of amazing family and friends though even those with me in Melbourne seem like they are millions of miles away. I know I am not alone yet, I am lonely. The dedication, the extra effort and the loneliness are taking their toll and impacting my commitment to the daily grind.
In three month's, I will again deliver the role of James in Pecan Summer on stage at the Playhouse within the Arts Centre here in Melbourne and I am scared of failing. I am scared to let down the cast, the community and most importantly, Deborah.
“Half the failures in life arise from pulling in one’s horse as he is leaping.” - Julius Charles Hare
I write this as I want each you to feel safe, to know you can share your story of pain and sacrifice and be heard. Not judged on your moment of weakness but instead supported in your hour of need. It is the plethora of human existence that gives each of us our shades, lines and contours that makes us truly unique.
"May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, Enough trials to make you strong, Enough sorrow to keep you human, Enough hope to make you happy." - Cheryl Creed (my cousin)
As for me, hope gets me through. Hope that one day, my childhood dream is manifested. I stand proud with all I have already achieved but know there is more within me still not realised. I will not pull back but instead I know I must take the leap of faith and jump into the abyss of possibility by fully committing to the daily grind, and let go of knowing why or whether it will be worth it, because it already is.